Call me crazy......

For a intensely private guy, I sure have many online pages in various places. I just set this thing up, so for now, my first post will be this little page I wrote probably two years ago. A little outdated now, but it was on my myspace at one point with some fun results. I don't necessarily subscribe to this view to this extent anymore, but for what it's worth....

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About four years ago, I was meeting with two friends weekly for our own Bible study at my place. We would read scripture and pray for each other, one of which I still meet with weekly. Naturally, the three of us would follow up our prayer with some furious rounds of Halo 2, which involved much yelling and brotherly trash talking. One day, one of the guys said, "I want my next kiss to be on my wedding day." To which I replied, "You're crazy." I thought it was because he was just trying to come off as super romantic. Needless to say, he was married about a year later to a wonderful girl, but I know for a fact that he kissed her before the 'big day'. Hey, it's the thought that counts.

Fast forward four years. So many things have happened in that time frame. Things of great joy (Pearl Jam at Irving Plaza). Unfortunately, some things of great sadness (death of a best friend). These four years have been a time of personal growth and recently, what enters my thoughts often is . . . I want my next kiss to be on my wedding day. Sure, it would be really romantic, but there's other reasons involved. "You're crazy!" probably just went through your mind and you know what. . . you're probably right, but here's how I see it. Getting physical in any sorts builds up an emotional bond between two people. The further you go, the stronger that bond gets. Right? So how can it be a good thing to start building up an emotional relationship between two people that aren't really compatible otherwise. It can't. See, the problem lies with God's human design and the fact that we are inherently morally flawed. You see, He made kissing good. In fact, He made is so good in that it makes you want to do other things. That is the way it is intended. I'm not here to draw any lines for anyone on what's okay or not okay. You can wrestle with God about that, but at this point in my life (thirty-freakin-five), I want nothing, and I mean nothing, clouding up my relationships. That forces me go back and ask myself, how many girlfriends would I have kept dating had we NOT made out on a regular basis? hmm. . .

Let me explain all of this. I'm not saying I've stayed in relationships just for affection. Some people do and that's lame. However, I AM saying that every time I was affectionate with a girl, it clouded how I viewed that relationship and sometimes even made me view that person as a potential mate ('that person' being someone who was in no way a good match in the first place and we might have figured it out sooner had we been communicating in other ways not based on sheer attraction). To elaborate even more on this whole premise, I've never kissed a girl and not enjoyed it. I've never left saying, "Well, there's two wasted hours". Surprise, surprise, TD-2243 likes kissing the dames (that's for Kirsten G). That's not the point.

The point IS that if I know from past experience that I will greatly enjoy it, then that's a good reason not to do it, IF in doing so there's the threat of clouding up journey to the final goal, which is marriage. Plus, I know without a doubt that any female kissing me in the meantime will surely be swept away beyond all reason and lose all her faculties. GRRRRR. What kind of protector would I be to allow that? We can't have that. Also, it's not as if the potential for wedding night disappointment is looming in the back of my brain. Not in the least. In fact, not being physical will make the physical even better should the time come. Hell, I haven't cheated on her yet, why do it this late in the game? If we believe that God has someone planned for us, then intimacy with anyone other than that person IS cheating (at least, in my mind). Granted, I may not even know who the 'her' is, but that doesn't mean I can't love her today. Now you really think I'm crazy.

Obviously, this is way easier said than done and my fear is that my desire to not be too affectionate would come off as disinterest or even non-attraction, That couldn't be further from the truth. Hopefully, I'll find someone in the same sort of place and she'll understand where I'm coming from. It's more of a desire to not mess things up...again and taking steps to make that happen, extreme as they may be. Maybe it's part of the bigger picture of an struggling person striving to be Christlike. Maybe I ate some bad pizza. Although admittedly, I do like the idea of her walking down the aisle, we say our vows and then kiss for the first time. You really can't beat that imagery. Anyway, I'm glad my friend said this years ago because it stuck in my mind and now it makes sense. Like I said before, this is just where I'm at and I certainly wouldn't expect everyone to 'reach' this point, as I'm not even sure this is reasonable. I'm sure there have been written books about this, but hey, I kissed reading goodbye a long time ago. The saying is "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." I, personally, am not so sure I agree with that, but if the goal is to be the best husband I can, so be it . . . Jedi.

I still play Halo 2.
Daniel
gamertag: skutch